"March" is X-rated on the Maternal Movie Ratings Guide: 37 weeks

When thinking of movies to avoid when pregnant, there are several things to consider. Pre and post natal demonic possession and tragedy are obvious non-picks. Movies like Rosemary's Baby, Basket Case, The Omen or Dead Calm are not the best of choices. But far more disturbing is the one described below. Damn you and your Electric Company Morgan Freeman!

Broken Flowers was an excellent pre-natal flim. Jaramush's subtle, quiet style, amazing ecclectic sounds and stylish comfortable track suits made for a great movie for someone in their ninth month of pregnancy. Nobody in the theatre experienced any variation in heart rate from the opening credits until the end. I was pleased with my choice and so was Charla. Buoyed with the confidence of my success, when the time came for us to go to another film I suggested March of the Penguins. That is where I lost my title.

On the surface, March of the Penguins was perfect. It had won awards, the birds are quirky and cute, it had Electric Company's Morgan Freeman for a narrator and it was rated G. I couldn't loose. I was imagining a kind of Incredible Journey/Benji meets Imax's Coral Reef. What a perfect movie for people who are weeks away from contributing another member to our grand planet earth.

Much has been written about the sensitivity and universiality of motherhood. We are all aware of animals caring for each other's young. Feral children who were raised by wolves and other species are well known. Last year there was that abandoned baby in Kenya who was brought by a dog to join it's litter. There seems to be an unexplained connectedness between all mother animals and newborns. Oh, and if you want to experience that first hand, take your quite pregnant wife to March of the Penguins.

At about 5 minutes into the film when I had a sense that things were not what I had anticipated. The fun began as the birds came out the water to obviously march with their clumbsy waddle across the crispy snow. Ha, ha. Look at the funny bird/fish. Freeman then informs us that they hobble for 70 miles to get to the mating place. I won't provide a running commentary for the entire film but it is when the eggs are laid that the film turned into a maternal hellish nightmare. The helpless creatures watch with horror as the egg rolls out of protection only to slowly freeze. They even grace us with a stop motion shot of the shell cracking open from the expanding frozen yolk. I was distracted by Charla had started to gently but committedly rub her eight month swollen belly. I looked up at her face and there were tears streaming down her cheeks. The action continued on the screen as follows:

-Momma penquin heads all the way back to feed while poppa sits on the egg- result- we see a sea lion devour two of the feeding females leaving the newborn to slowly starve to death at the feet of the male who had been standing there for two months...
-More frozen dead peguin babies who had hatched by then had strayed from their father's feet...
-Peguin babies trampled to death by their own mothers who were trying to protect their young from the heartbroken, lonely, crazed mothers who had lost their own... King, Ellis and Hitchcock couldn't have even thought up such disturbing tragedy.

By this time Charla had her head buried in my shoulder which was wet from the tears. Finally, the little toddler peguins were free to walk around and they looked really cute. Charla had just caught her breath and up flies the hungry osprey looking for some toddler penguin meat- we had to leave the theatre.

Perhaps it was that it was a documentary and with real animals- I don't know. Hollywood couldn't create such a horrific maternal decent into the Inferno. It was quite an experience.